Sexual shame is such a soul destroying emotion.
Sexuality is part of being human and it’s the closest thing to your authentic self. It is one of the many ways to be your vulnerable self. Sexual shame can cause one to disown a part of their being, causing a split within self or in other words, a disconnection from self.
Sexual shame can look different for everyone. Women can be shamed for having sex or too much of it, men can be shamed for not having enough of it- society seems to define their masculinity with sexual behavior and people’s sexual orientation can be shamed. Most people experienced sexual shame in some way and it’s something we can all relate to.
Sexual shame becomes a problem that goes beyond sex. It affects your entire being. It causes you to have a very poor relationship with yourself and the relationship with yourself is one of the most important things in life. You live with YOU all your life.
Self disownership is isolating, causes one to feel empty and leads to mental distress like anxiety and depression. It causes very unstable relationships with others, yourself and overall the world. This is why sexual shame affects your entire existence.
Shame is a social emotion which means it’s taught.
Of course we want to teach children and adults to practice sex safely and responsibility. The problem with our sexual education is that some societies seem to think sexual shaming is helpful. It actually does the complete opposite.
Sexual shame is counterproductive because it causes people to use it destructively. My theory is, people who are destructive towards themselves may use sex as a tool to reinforce a message they are familiar with- that they’re a bad person. Sexual shame can cause people to use sex as a way to punish themselves. Not only that, they may do it unsafely.
Another reason why sexual shame is so pointless is because “good” and “bad” sexual behavior varies around the world and it changes throughout history. There are so many mixed messages regarding sex.
The only time sex should be shamed is when it’s harmful to self or others. For example, rape is horrible. The rapist should be shamed. The problem with sexual shame in general is that it causes victims to stay quiet or come out late. The “sex is bad” message makes you feel bad for sexual behaviors even when you were being taken advantage of. Shame leads to secrecy and shame grows in secrecy. Victims may turn into destructive behaviors like substance abuse to mask the soul eating feeling of shame.
The bottom line is, if we had a much healthier relationship with sex, the world would be a better place. If parent were more open about it, children wouldn’t learn harmful things the hard way, there would be less sexual abuse and people abusing sex.
How To Overcome Sexual Shame
You don’t have to live with this. Shame is learned and anything learned can be unlearned with time. You don’t have to live with shame forever. Here are some ways to overcome sexual shame:
- Challenge your negative views on sex. Most negative thoughts stem from somewhere outside of yourself and it doesn’t mean it’s true. Where did it come from? Who told you this and what was the motivation behind it?
- Gather information. Sexual shame can come from misinformation. For example, the silly myth that vaginas stretch after too many partners. Seek valid sexual information that may contradict what you’ve been taught.
- Get to know your true self. This one is my favorite tip because it enhances all areas of your life. Change how you talk to yourself, date yourself, change your look and/or reparent yourself if you have to. Be the person you wish that was there for you to guide you. Shut your inner critic up because that’s not the real you. Talk back to it.
- Masturbate! Take your time getting to know your body like my post says in benefits of sex toys. Learn what your body likes and make it feel good. Taking time out to masturbate makes you more confident and comfortable in your skin. Make love to yourself. Light some candles if you must. Set the mood. Maybe use a mirror to look at your genitals and ALLOW yourself to experience pleasure.
- Address trauma. This will take time and a lot of work but it is worth it. Realize that no sexual trauma is your fault. Seek professionals.
- Seek a professional. There are sex therapists out there or maybe you need a general therapist or psychologist. You can even find one who would do a video session with you meaning you can do it from the comfort of your own home.
Did you notice something with these tips? These tips can help your overall well-being. It can improve your life outside of sex! This is why a healthy relationship with sex is important for a healthy life.
Where to find NSA fun