Boring Relationship? Sparks Not Sparking?// 4 Important Things They Don’t Tell You

Relationships are boring AF.

There are a few things most don’t talk about when it comes to making your boring relationship exciting. Sure, you can try new lingerie, watch porn and webcam hotties, introduce new toys or a new person… but those are candle flames. Hot and fiery… but small and can be easily blown out. But why have a candle fire when you can have the Kilauea Volcano (one of the most active volcanoes today)?

While stability and security are things that are needed in a relationship, sooner or later, it gets BORING. The sparks are no longer there, the rose colored glasses are clear now, everything is predictable and stable and sex happens only when certain planets align. You are no longer romantic partners. Just roommates. Just existing and aging.

What happened? Because the media tells us with the right one, everything is effortless, our partners are our EVERYTHING, our WORLD. Is it because your partner is the WRONG one? Or is it because relationships are simply boring?

Let’s get one thing out of the way before we talk about these 4 things. Just because you have a boring relationship doesn’t necessarily mean your partner is the wrong one. Truth is, relationships get stale even with the RIGHT one.

There’s actually a BENEFIT in boring relationships…. The benefit is, you get to experience the exciting new relationship energy with the same person. To be horny teenagers again, try these following tips:

  • Start dating again. Try new things like new restaurants and activities.
  • Address underlying medical issues that affect libido and try supplements. You can’t increase sex drive if you don’t know what causes it to lower.
  • New sex tricks.

You may also see the term “Love Languages” floating around when you’re looking for relationship advice. Love language is a language that makes a person feel loved. Every individual has a different love language. The 5 main ones are:

  • Acts of service. You feel loved when someone does something for you. Like take out the trash.
  • Words of affirmation. You feel loved when someone says beautiful things to you like compliments.
  • Receiving gifts. You feel loved when you receive thoughtful gifts.
  • Physical touch. You feel love with things like cuddling and kissing.
  • Quality time. You feel loved when spending time together.

Keep in mind, your partner might SHOW love in those ways and you may not notice.

We’ve heard these things before. But there is some important advice they are NOT telling you. BOTH partners have to be willing to acknowledge these 4 things.

  1. Looks DO MATTER

2. Have your own life

3. Unresolved problems and lack of boundaries

4. Negative thought spirals


That is the reality

It is an amazing thing to be comfortable around your partner but letting yourself go not only does a disservice to your relationship but to YOURSELF. Confidence is sexy. Maintain your confidence. You don’t have to be Brad Pitt or Nia Long but keeping up with your appearance does matter. No, do not make an appointment at the plastic surgeons office… This doesn’t mean becoming an obsessed gym rat either. What I mean is put in SOME EFFORT. Take morning walks, drink more water, take care of your skin, wear clothes that flatter you, try hair colors, grooming etc. 

Taking care of your physical appearance includes inner work. Most of your physical appearance comes from within. This looks like self care, self compassion, self esteem and self worth. Inner peace.

Have your own life

You cannot have desire without a little space. Have your own friends and have some hobbies. It’s important to be a well rounded person while in a relationship. The media lied. Your partner is NOT supposed to be your EVERYTHING. Choose partners that meet your most important needs but you cannot expect them to meet every single one of them. Join a book club, tennis, make time for spa day on your own, don’t forget your other relationships. Without cheating, your needs can be met in other ways. 

You need your own identity. Your identity is what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Don’t get lost then your relationship is your identity. Something neither of you signed up for. Abandoning yourself means you’re not showing up as yourself, which is the person your partner chose to be with. 

It’s important to have someone you can depend on but depending on your partner too much can breed resentment. Resentment is very unattractive. 

Space also creates mystery and curiosity between you and your partner. You will always be intrigued. 

Unresolved problems and lack of boundaries

Speaking of resentment, address unresolved problems and keep boundaries. Money, cheating, children- whatever the problem is, SPEAK UP about it. Most people get so comfortable in a relationship that they think it’s ok to cross boundaries and get away with it. Sometimes people bite their tongue to keep the peace but this adds to the murder of desire. Not speaking up is abandoning yourself in a way which also kills your INDIVIDUALITY. (see point #2)

Negative thought spirals

You might be in a negative thought spiral. In the beginning of the relationship, love can make you delusional and you’re even in love with the way they sip water. Once you’re all settled down, the list of things you don’t like about your partner gets longer and longer because you got rid of your rose colored glasses. Instead of going down the negative spiral, put those rose colored lenses back on and practice noticing the good and sexy things about them. 

You know that saying “You don’t know what you got til it’s gone?” What are some things you know you will miss if they were ever gone? Before calling your boring relationship off, think about these things.

All relationships take work. Business connections, romantic partners, friendships, family- any human connection. Remember this. So instead of candle flames, let’s make it like the Kilauea Volcano.

You can also ask your partners these questions to find a new spark.

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