Don’t feel bad about ending a relationship over sexual incompatibility.
Shared values, shared goals, trust, communication… These are components of a relationship. But how important is sexual compatibility? Sexual compatibility huge deal and here’s why.
This is one of the reasons why I think no sex before marriage is a bad idea. Because life is tough after realizing the sex is bad but you’re in a legal contract and have financial obligations that prevent you from packing your bags.
That’s just me though. Everyone is different and that’s OK.
For starters, sexual compatibility doesn’t mean the people are actually having sex. Sexual compatibility simply means the people in the relationship are on the same page when it comes to sex. Sexually INCOMPATIBLE means they’re not. Sexual incompatibility is when the people in the relationship have completely different sexual interests when it comes to frequency, likes and dislikes.
So to be clear, two sexually compatible people can be people who have sex once a day, once a week, once a month, once a year or none at all and they’re both content with that. There is such a thing as a sexless relationship but there’s still love, chemistry and other forms of intimacy involved.
But sexual needs not being met?
Sex is part of being human. It is a form of personal expression and is the seed of life. Sex is basically part of existing. Which is why sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker. We as humans crave love and connection at our core in our relationships, it is important for our core values, needs and wants to be aligned. It is important to be yourself in relationships.
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Benefits of Sexual Compatibility In A Relationship
Communication is a HUGE part of a relationship and sex is a form of communication. For some reason, most of society makes us feel ashamed when it comes to expressing our sexual needs- even in our own relationships! It’s not fair and frankly no one’s business except for the people in the relationship. So don’t feel bad if sex is important to you and sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker for you. Sex is part of the very short human life and there’s benefits. Such as:
- Increased oxytocin
- Reduced stress levels
- Improved sleep
- Better work life
- Better focus
No Real Winners In Sexual Incompatibility
Here’s the one good reason.
So when two people are sexually incompatible and they decide to continue with the relationship, there’s two outcomes. One, someone is feeling or being forced to have sex. It’s very rapey. Or two, someone is being deprived of their very human needs and can cause problems like mental distress. There are no winners at all being in a sexually incompatible relationship.
Reasons For The Sudden Sexual Shift
There are also instances when you’ve been in a relationship for awhile and the sexual dynamics changed. You may start off as sexually compatible and then suddenly (or gradually) you’re not. Sexual incompatibility becomes a symptom of problems going on in the relationship. Such as:
- Childcare. Children are hard work and can leave one too exhausted.
- Health problems. Sudden healthy changes can change your libido. Including mental health.
- Medications. Medications for physical and mental health problems can cause your libido to change.
- Poor communication. People get too comfortable in relationships sometimes and become distant from their partners.
- Stress. Adulting gets ghetto sometimes. It’s stressful.
- Life events. Sudden death etc…
You get the idea. Sudden changes in libido can be caused by things or events that are out of one’s control. But don’t worry, sex cycles between two people in a relationship is also normal. Sometimes a sexless relationship is temporary and there are ways to get back on track.
What To Do To Be Sexually Compatible
Good sex starts OUTSIDE of the bedroom. When the relationship is good, the sex is good. Like we said before, sexual incompatibility can be a symptom of a problematic relationship.
- To start, take a look at yourself. It is easy to point fingers. Are you taking your stress out on your partner? Are you resentful? Are you missing something? Be honest with yourself.
- Patience. Be patient with your partner. When you chase things, it usually runs away. Pressuring or showing frustration with your sex life is not sexy. It doesn’t get you laid at all and it blows my mind seeing people openly bash their partner for not having sex with them. There’s nothing hot about sympathy sex and it feels like coercion. Ew.
- Try these 4 things.
- Communication. TALK. Find out what is going on with them or express what’s going on with YOU. Communicating and being vulnerable with your partner deepens your bond… which can lead to sex. Be honest.
- Sounds crazy and unattractive but try scheduling it. Schedule some play time. It can really help
- Couples therapy. Seek professional help when all else fails.
- Open your relationship. Some people are content with this idea. Set some ground rules and communicate.
When To Leave A Sexual Incompatible Relationship
When you’re relationship is fucked (no pun intended), it’s time to walk away.
If you’re with someone or if you’re that person who is not willing to put in the work to get your dead bedroom back on track, it is time to go. You can put effort into changing things but you cannot force it.
Don’t beat yourself or your partner up. Humans grow up (or down) and evolve constantly and it’s no one’s fault. It may be tough because you’re familiar with the person but it’s ok to grow out of a relationship. There are no real winners staying in a dead bedroom situation just because you’re familiar with them. That’s not true love at all. True love is letting someone go in order for them or for you to find genuine happiness.
Leave. It’s ok for sexual incompatibility to be a deal breaker for you. You are human and so is your partner. Sexual compatibility is important.
